he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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