be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
