i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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