I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
