I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i dont even know how to be here
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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