A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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