i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
