I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
