I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
