i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
