I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
