Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His nipple licking is glorious
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