I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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