btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
