so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
