Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
