Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
