i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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