i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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