apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
