i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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