just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
