True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
