Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
