So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
