this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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