I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
youre lurking in front of me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
