i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
