my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
