I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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