Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
