You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
