if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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