: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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