naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
