I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
