I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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