So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
