I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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