Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
