New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
