i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
