i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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