I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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