I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
