This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
