My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
