When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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