every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
