Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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