Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
