This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
