She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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