the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
