question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
