is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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