he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
