Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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