all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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