i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
two words...techno handjob
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
