im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
