a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
